My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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