we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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