I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
