i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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