Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
