I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
