Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just threw up on my dentist
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
