Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
