I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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