You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
