It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
