I got chris browned last night
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
