I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
