i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
