I just cut my nipple shaving
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
