Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
