The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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