There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
