So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
