All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
