Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
whose parrot is this?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
