You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
