i think my mom watched the whole time
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
