My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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