What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
