Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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