Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Randomize
