Banned from zoo.
Again?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
