It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
