she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
