Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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