Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
zippers are such a cool invention
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
