When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
