just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
