I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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