just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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