I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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