My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
