I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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