Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
