fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
