Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
