Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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