dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
