I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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