We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
