so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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