I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
