i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He felt like a one man threesome
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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