the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
