I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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