Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
