i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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