Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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