No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
